Maybe you are feeling particularly stuck—dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, or in despair—in one or more important, current or past relationships in your life: family, a friend, a partner, a work colleague. Or more generally, you’ve noticed that forming or maintaining relationships as an adult seems harder, overwhelming, or confusing for you, and you may not be sure why.

If you are feeling this way about a current relationship, you may notice your mind reeling—obsessing—trying to reconcile how someone who can be so loving or caring can also be so disrespectful or invalidating of your feelings and needs. Perhaps you question and wonder what you have done to have deserve any of this. Maybe you are feeling emotionally and physically drained, you are blaming yourself and constantly apologizing, walking on eggshells, bending over backward to keep the peace and survive in a wildly inconsistent and unpredictable relationship.

Maybe these experiences happened in the past, within your family of origin, when you were young. Maybe you have had friendships or relationships with people who you grew to trust and love, who let you down by how they treated you. For many, attempts to set boundaries with others has been terrifying, disappointing, and leading at best to inconsistent results, and at worst, complete dismissal of your concerns and needs.

It can be hard to admit to ourselves when our relationships with people we love or care about become a significant source of stress. But it isn’t something to dismiss—an alarming amount of research has connected relationship stress to a wide range of both mental and physical health conditions, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, substance use, eating disorders, as well as chronic and life-threatening diseases. And vitally, you could feel these relationships have changed who you feel you really are, that you are looking back and missing a part or whole of yourself and grieving who that person was.

To cope with such despair and maintain a feeling of connection, many feel they have to “normalize,” “rationalize” or “justify” how they are treated in order to survive or feel safe. In some cases, turning to another friend or family member doesn’t help, because they “don’t see” what it is like to live like you are, and that it “can’t be so bad.” But it DOES feel that bad. We also live in a world with so many expectations about what relationships should be. Societal pressures, and financial, practical, and emotional connections could make it feel impossible for you to change how you are relating to this person. And even if you know on some level that change is needed, it does not mean you want it or are ready.

Many who come to me with these concerns have been diagnosed with mental health conditions, and have never been able to explore how their relational environment is significantly impacting their symptoms. Even after they have moved on from that relationship, they may still struggle.

I help clients create a new “relational framework” of understanding, through education stemming from cutting-edge research and clinical work focused on helping individuals experiencing the side effects of the full spectrum of “antagonistic” relationships—ranging from emotional immaturity to narcissism. From there, I work to grow acceptance of their situation, and empower clients to make authentic decisions about their lives, based on their own values and unique circumstances. I help them reconnect to the selves they may feel they have lost, and integrate that with everything they have learned to move forward emotionally.

In other words, the goal is to move beyond surviving, to thriving.